I just crossed over a very short time ago.
Don’t worry!
No creepy tunnel for me. No light to guide me. No old grams and grand dads to welcome me!
Nope!
First came real pain, and then fear.
You know? The kind of fear where you truly wanted your mamma?
The fear, just like a bear pouncing on my chest, then the dark! Stark fear! No where to turn!
Knowing, I mean, Knowing, I was alone, in the dark, with the pain, with the fear, and I was nothing, no mother to protect me, no friend to hold me hand.
I was nothing but panic, dread, darkness, and panic!
Now, I am here!
I do not know really where “here” is, but I know I am awake now.
Back in the old life, l felt a pain in my toes when I kicked something, or a back pain when I lifted something wrong, but usually, I avoided pain.
Right!
I avoided anything where I might get hurt, or God Forbid, FAILED!
The bestest way to be a real loser is to never to be in competition where a pair of eyes or more were WITNESS.
I never ever did anything where anyone could say “loser”!
Yet, here I am with nothing, knowing I did nothing in life, knowing I can do nothing here
I am alone.
I am so scared.
I wish I had done something! I wished I had believed in anything, other than myself!
Anything to help another. Anything to matter! Anything to give me a float to hang onto!
Because I have nothing! Here!
Ramblings from an Unpaved Mind 