You know, Officer Wenton, since last night when you handcuffed me and threw me into that patrol car and then slammed me into this little room, you have asked the same questions.
I keep repeating the same story…
Don’t I get a Lawyer?
So, you are not charging me with any crime?
OK! OK! I’ll try again. But it is the truth. And you will not believe me! Again!….
When I first saw her, I went–Wow! I mean, well, uh, she was a doll!
Thom and Judy Sutherland were the ones that set me up with her, just like I told you…
No officer, I’ve never known her before. It was a blind date, you know?
Anyway, Thom told me about this new girl at his office that seemed to be shy. He said she was not attached or anything.
Thom described her to Judy, and Judy said, “She sounds like a sweet girl. Why don’t you invite her to dinner? I am sure that she is lonely!”…
No, I don’t think those two had any idea of swinging with her. Thom is sixty-two, and Judy is almost fifty-five. As a matter of fact, Judy’s birthday is next week. I will be able to go to her birthday, won’t I?….
Alright! Keep on interrupting, and I’ll never get through! AGAIN!
Anyway, Thom invites her home, and Judy loves her. Naturally, the conversation turns around to love interests. Wouldn’t you know it? My name comes up. Judy has been playing matchmaker with me for three years now.
I can hear her now, “You must meet Junior. He is a fine young man!”
Judy never liked my ex-wife, anyway. She calls Lucille “that cold-hearted, self-centered, vanity-ridden, stuck-up, breasts and butt too high, B—–.”
Yes, that is a quote since I heard Judy say it a zillion times.
So’s, I get a divorce, and Judy starts cranking to find me a woman. As she says,
“No man worth his salt is any good without a woman.”
Kind of makes a man feel small, ya know?
Well, I don’t have much money, so I don’t go out much. The lawyer took some, and Lucille took the rest.
The private detective I had hired took some great photos of Lucille in Vegas with her ‘friend,’ but the judge believed her side.
She was lonely, she says! I was no fun, she says!
Anyway, Judy decided on Melody…
No! She told me her name was Melody. Melody Swinson for the twentieth time! How am I going to finish if you keep interrupting?….
But I think you’re a little cranky, too.
Judy decided Melody would be good for me.
She called me on the phone and said, “All right, Junior! I have got the perfect one this time! No excuses. She doesn’t smoke! She’s very nice! Soooo, sweet!”
Of course, I want to ask those guy things, you know? The old laundry list, like; weight, height, boobs natural, big? Ya know?
But Judy doesn’t like that stuff. She calls it sexist. She thinks I am a nice guy, but she is almost like my mother, you know? My mother would never discuss sex with me nor let me be disrespectful of women. Judy is just like her.
So, I ask, “Well, Judy–is she pretty?”
“Listen, Junior. You are going to love her! She has a great personality!” Judy says.
Well, haven’t you heard that one before?
Three girls that Judy fixed me up with also had ‘great personalities.’
Of course, one had a better mustache than I do, ya know? Another had legs that came straight out of a pencil sharpener. The other smoked like a choo-choo going uphill, with a ton of ore on board.
“Of course, she is pretty! Do you think I would fix you up with just anyone?” she asked.
For once, I thought of the correct thing to say,
So’s Judy goes on,
“She has the greenest eyes you have ever seen. She has long, beautiful red hair. She has a great figure. She must be an aerobics instructor. Perfect, white teeth. She is adorable, but I think she is shy! She doesn’t talk very much.”
I was thinking, there must be something wrong. I mean, Melody must snore or have really bad breath, you know?
Or maybe, she is a successful serial killer.
Like that woman upstate, Ya know, that kept marrying guys, getting them to sign over assets, then putting arsenic into their coffee.
Boy, you guys took forever to catch her. Didn’t you? The entire police force missed what was going on for two years!…
Wow, you are sensitive…
Anyways, Judy starts pressing, “I am having a dinner party here tomorrow night. You are invited. Be here at eight, sharp. Bring a bottle of red wine, and don’t you dare bring that cheap wine you like so much! I want you to make a good impression on her!”…..
Humphh! What do you think I said?
This woman keeps a thumb on her husband’s head like the ‘Sword of Damocles.’
Hell! My stand-in mother told me to do something, so I did.
I was there at a few minutes of eight. I wore my best suit. I even polished my shoes.
I don’t know shit from Shinola about wine.
I got a buddy to pick it out!….
Huh? I don’t know! It had a cork and a fancy label, and it cost me thirty-five dollars!….
You’re damn straight; it must have been good! But I liked my Beringer much better.
Will you please stop interrupting and getting me off track?
So, I am there in their drawing-room, and Thom is making conversation. Thom speaks very slowly and quietly. It’s like, every word he says could be essential. Great guy. He used to be an athlete. Tall, graceful. Old age has not hurt him much. Anyway, I don’t think I was responding correctly to his conversation…
Well, because he got mad at me!
I said something about limp wristed politically correct people, and he walked out, that’s why.
Judy came in, laughing, and said that I needed to calm down. She asked me if I wanted a drink, and I said, “Please, give me a double-scotch, neat!”
Judy said, “I’ll give you a single scotch and soda. I want you to make a good impression on this girl!”
Suddenly, I am getting the sneaky suspicion that Judy has seen me as the problem in my previously failed blind dates that all had
There is a knock on the door.
My heart leaps up into my throat!
I tried to stand. It took me two tries, but stand, I did.
Judy opens the door–and in walks this Goddess!
I mean, loveliness, embodied in the flesh of man, eeerrr woman. I almost fell back into my seat.
She looked at me and smiled.
I was overwhelmed!….
Just a minute, Officer Wenton! I’ll get to it…
The vision I saw at the door was not the same I saw later that night! That’s why!….
You’re getting cranking again!
Judy walked her over to me while Melody floated! Like a dancer.
Yeah, I was in heat! What a vision!
We shakes hands, and she tells me her name. Her voice was like angels singing. I heard them!….
I am telling you, I heard them!
Anyway, I am not sure I got my name out because Judy said it for me, “Melody, this is Thom’s and my friend, Junior Walker. We love him like a son!”
The rest of the evening is a blur for me.
I hope I said one or two intelligent things.
But, I dropped my silverware several times. I spilled a glass of that fancy wine, and she did not even bitch.
I didn’t taste a thing.
And, I could not keep my eyes off that woman. Of course, if I had known then, what I know now, I might have thrown up!….
Well, Officer, I ain’t saying. You–could say she put a spell on me.
The evening wore on, Judy and Thom got tired, or maybe they were just faking it.
This sweet, shy, innocent lady, Melody, used her feet to rub my legs under the table!….
Well, indeed, I had ideas about where the night was going.
Blood had left the big head running to the small head hours ago.
So’s, Judy and Thom started making excuses to go to bed, and Melody decided it was time to go.
“Could I call you a taxi?” I ask.
“No, I’ll think I will walk!” She says.
“In New York City? No, if you are going to walk, I will walk with you to make sure you make it home, alright!”
She says with such a pretty smile, “I always make it home all right!”
Little did I know what she meant.
“But, I would enjoy the company, if you don’t mind!” she says, purring at me.
Judy scrambled to the closet to get our things.
As she handed me mine, she winked and smiled out of the corner of her mouth. Oh yeah, Judy was filled with herself. Her brown eyes were just dancing. She had done a good thing.
Melody and I left the Sutherland building and went north on 31st street…
No! No! In Queens. We were going to 31st and Broadway. She said she had a small apartment there.
So’s, we were walking hand in hand now.
Anyway, we get to her place, and she invites me upstairs, three flights.
I noticed a strange smell as we got to her door, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.
She turned the key, and with her back to the door, she grabs me, kissed me like there was no tomorrow, and began to pull me inside!…
Yeah, I forgot the smell!
The lights were off, clothes were flying, and we started doing it.
The moon would come out from behind the clouds every now and then, and I could see a little of the apartment and her. Just little snatches. Some weird statues and things were hanging down from the ceiling. Sometimes, I thought I saw small animals moving on the floor. Sometimes, I smelled strange stuff again.
I noticed that sometimes when I looked at her, she was beautiful, but one or two times, she looked different!…
No! I do not want to tell you. You’ll think I am crazy! AGAIN…
OK! Just once, I saw her real good, and it scared the Hell out of me. I mean, I stopped moving and looked. Her eyes seemed to be glowing in the dark, you know? Her hands felt like they had warts on them, and I don’t think she had Just five fingers. I distinctly felt a few more on each hand. And her face! Whew!
I think I need a drink of water!…
No! Not until I get a drink! I don’t mean to be a pain, Officer, but this part is tough. I mean, real tough! …
Thank you! I needed that! My mouth felt like cotton for a minute.
Oh yeah! Her skin felt like leather with warts on it. When I jumped up from bed, she started laughing. A light came on, by itself!…
What do you mean, what do you mean?
I will say it clearly, again! The damn thing came on by itself.
There, bathed in the light, was my beauty!
Except something had taken her place.
This thing had stringy, gray hair.
Its eyes looked like cat eyes, mean and quicklike. And she did have warts. I mean, all over. Those fingers I was worried about were curved, like a cat’s claws.
She reached out for my hand.
She just about had it when I jumped back. I would have jumped further, but the wall stopped me.
She said, “Come back to me, my love. I need you!”
There, in the blink of an eye, was my beauty again. But, I think she wanted my entire body, ya know? Not just my little man!
I moved towards the window, and she growled!…
Growled, I said.
She got up from the bed, and I jumped through the glass, onto the fire escape, and down the ladder quicker than you can spend 20 cents.
So, glass cut me a bit, and the sidewalk got to my feet.
Yeah! I know! You promised me a better doctor.
Right! The blood has stopped now, but I am going to have a lot of scars.
Anyway, if you will let me finish!…
I ran down to the street, screaming bloody murder!…
Right! I know the police checked the place out. I know there wasn’t a Melody living in the building and nothing weird in the building. I know all that!
You have told me a hundred times.
But, Officer, why would I be naked and bleeding, in the streets, on a freezing October night?
If I wanted to ‘off’ myself, there are certainly better ways…
Don’t make me laugh!
A man would be crazy to jump through a window and run down the street naked.
He could really get hurt, you know, without pants, underwear, or nothing!….
You know, I have changed my mind!
I don’t want to go to Judy’s birthday party. Keep me in jail!
At least I have some clothes, food, and dammit, I am finally warm again!
I like it here! Close the bars and lock me up.
But I will tell you this. From now on,
No More Blind Dates for Junior!